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When I talk to parents who have split up about their continuing responsibilities as parents I usually ask them if any of their friends are coping well with the problems which seem to loom so large for them. Even if they cannot think of anyone immediately, they often begin to look out for others in similar circumstances. It is comforting to find that many of the conflicts and misunderstandings of the first few months diminish and that it is not uncommon for parents who have been divorced for some time to say that they now get on much more easily than they did when they were married to one another.

It is also helpful to consider the sort of relationship and pattern of visiting you are aiming for in the long run. It is clear from Wallerstein and Kelly’s research (see Appendix 2) that, after five years of separation, many of the children they studied wanted to see their fathers more frequently than they actually did. Many of them would also have preferred to have had more say in the timing and length of their visits to their non-custodial parent, rather than having to fit in with arrangements their parents had made.

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